


To be a man

by MellQueenOfHell



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Fluff, John Winchester Being an Asshole, M/M, Mary Ships It, Mind Reading, Mostly Deans thougts, Sam Ships It, They are so cute, becasue come on admit it already he was, even if she doesnt know it yet
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-21
Updated: 2016-12-21
Packaged: 2018-09-10 19:09:30
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,636
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8929888
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MellQueenOfHell/pseuds/MellQueenOfHell
Summary: To be a man. What does it mean exactly? Dean Winchester knows it. He knew it since he was around five years old and his father decided that he was old enough to take care of his little brother and be on his own. ***This is a little one shot, mostly based on Dean's thoughts but with a Destiel happy ending***





	

**Author's Note:**

> So, this is my first oneshot EVER. Is it good, is it not??? I don’t know, but frankly I don’t care =P I had this in my mind for a whole day, so I HAD to get it out. Now I do hope you’ll enjoy it so let me know if it’s good… Maybe, there could be a sequel… and by that I mean a sexy one ;)
> 
> Enjoy my little demons

To be a man. What does it mean exactly? Dean Winchester knows it. He knew it since he was around five years old and his father decided that he was old enough to take care of his little brother and be on his own. Five years old, and he had to « man up » and take care of a one year old Sammy. “You have to be strong” would say John. Five years old and he was learning how to make meals instead of Lego construction. But that was what it meant to be a man, in the Winchester family at least.

 

As he grew up, nothing really changed. His father wanted him to be a man, a strong man. He wanted him to become a younger version of himself, a soldier. So Dean became the perfect hunter, the perfect obedient hunter. When John said right he would go right, when John said down, he would go down. But that was what it meant to be a man. You had to be a good son. Living in a world of supernatural creatures, he knew that he had to follow every order his father would give him if he wanted to survive. Because John Winchester was a man, and he knew what he was doing.

 

At fifteen years old, Dean Winchester knew how to shoot almost any kind of gun and could handle himself in a fight with anyone, things that he was proud to show when his father would drag him in a bar. Because fighting with other men, that was a way of showing that he was strong and capable and so by that fact, a man. Sometimes, when he felt a little wilder he would disobey his father. That never ended well. John Winchester wasn’t a man of words, nop. When John Winchester wasn’t happy, he acted. And there were some bruises and some scars on Dean’s body that proved it, not that he would ever say this to anyone, but still.

 

The more he grew up, the more he started to resemble John. He loved the same music as him, not that he had a choice anyway, he wore the same kind of clothes and acted very much like him. There was, though, one thing that he wasn’t quite like his father. Even though Dean knew that John had loved his mother deeply, he also knew that being a man he needed to… seek release. John was very charismatic and the ladies loved him. John Winchester was your typical lady’s man. So was Dean, because he had to be a man.

 

When he was alone with his father, by the time Sam had took off to Stanford, he finally decided to explore some facets of his life he hadn’t allowed himself to yet. One night he went alone in a bar and found himself very lucky. He immediately knew who he wanted; dark hair, bright eyes, perfect body, yeah he had a type. He took his courage and talked to the guy. Turns out the dude was very interested and they ended up in the backstreet kissing like madmen. Dean was about to suggest leaving for a better place when he heard someone clearing his throat.

 

You would think that being a demon hunter, living in a world of supernatural being, John Winchester would be an open minded kind of guy? Well Dean thought that too. Oh how much he was wrong. “A real man doesn’t kiss other men Dean” said John when his fist crashed on Dean’s jaw. “A strong man doesn’t touch another guy’s body like this, son” he said broking one on his rib with his hand. “You are a Winchester, and Winchester’s aren’t fags you hear me?” and so Dean nodded silently praying for his father to stop.

 

John did stop, eventually, and they never talked about this again. Even though Dean knew he couldn’t supress this part of himself, he hid and silenced it. Oh he looked, but that’s it, he never acted on it again. _Never_.

 

Then his dad took off and he had to be a man again, because not only did he have to find his dad but he needed to take care of his brother, who he had dragged back in this crappy life. To this day, this was still one of his biggest regrets. He knew they were stronger together, but in the end HE was the one that ruined every chances of a normal life for Sammy, and for that he could never forgive himself. But that was just one more thing to add to the list of things he felt guilty about.

 

But, being alone with Sammy he felt happier. He would never admit it, but he kinda loathed John. This guy had put him in a world he should had never been part of and put so much pressure on him, he couldn’t exactly love him. He still obeyed him blindly thought because he was a man, and a good son. He would never admit it because, even though John Winchester was a crappy father, in the end he did sacrifice himself to save his oldest son. And this had to count for something right?

 

Even after John’s death, Dean never acted of his bisexuality, because yeah along the way he had learn that he was bisexual. He never acted on it because he was a man, and a real man doesn’t kiss other dudes.

 

Years passed and shit happened. He went to Hell, because he sacrificed himself for his baby brother. He was a strong man after all, he had to do this. Hell was awful, terrible, unexplainable. He had to endure endless hours or torture to finally become the torturer but that was actually when he got out that his real Hell began. Now you have to understand that when Sammy went off the rails Dean didn’t just take it hard as a brother. HE was the one that raised Sam, he was the parent that failed. Or so he felt.

 

His whole word changed when he came back, before he died he didn’t even believe in god and now an angel had “gripped him thight and raised him from perdition” and was claiming that God had plans for him. And this angel was a dick. Always so literal and upright. He hated him. But then Castiel started to change, he started to question things and Dean hated him a little less. He still had that stick up his ass though, but that sometimes was funny.

 

Now in contrary of the popular belief of the multiple Carver Edlund’s, now also known as God, Supernatural book fans, he didn’t want to jump Castiel’s bones at first. Like I said, he hated him. There wasn’t even a real sexual tension at first. No. That changed the day that Castiel chose him over heaven. At that point he liked him. As a friend. But then, things changed and Castiel’s betrayal hit him harder than he thought.

 

It was after purgatory that he finally admitted to himself that he was in love with his best friend. Not that admitting it to himself would change anything, but still. Somehow it felt good to acknowledge it.

 

Over the years, Dean had been a lot of things; a son, a brother, a surrogate father, a hunter, a vampire, a demon, a man of letters. But in all those years, no one had ever asked him what he wanted to do. NO ONE. So yeah he may have dozed off a little bit when his back-from-the-dead mother asked him,

“Do you ever think about what your life would have been if I didn’t die?”

“Not really, I’m a hunter, always have been.”

“Yeah I know” said Mary trying to connect with her oldest son “but, what do you like? If you could choose something for yourself, what kind of life would you live?”

“I… I…” he never found the answer. He started thinking about his life instead and the only thing he really thought about was that he had to be a man.

“John didn’t even ask you if you wanted to be a hunter huh?”

“Look mom” he said “I don’t want to ruin your memory of John but… after your death he wasn’t the same”

“Yeah I figured. You didn’t answer the question though… you just kinda dozed off to another realm.”

“I don’t know what to say… I do love cars, maybe I would have been a mechanic. But I love kids too, so maybe a teacher. Guess I’ll never know”

“What about love?”

“What about love?” he said back, not really understanding her question.

“I don’t know. Have you ever been in love?” she tried.

 

His mind drifted to Lisa for a second but he soon realised that he was never in love with her, not like he was with Cas. At that thought, he couldn’t help but think about his angel friend. The more the years had passed and the more he had grown to love him. Sometimes, it was hard to be in the same room as him. He had thought about it many times but he couldn’t bring himself to act on it. And now, his mother was back from the dead. She was dead for thirty-three years, he couldn’t exactly tell her that he was bisexual, not that he really considered himself bi these days, never having acted on it but still. She was from another time, she wouldn’t accept him. He was having a hard time dealing with her departure, choosing not to live with them, he couldn’t bear the thought of losing her for good because she was disgusted by a fag son. But he couldn’t lie to her either.

“Yes” he said “I’ve been in love”

“And it didn’t work out?” asked Mary somehow really concerned.

“I’ve…I’ve never acted on it”

“Why?”

“Because… I… I can’t”

“You know, I don’t want to assume here but… I think you should just tell that person”

“I can’t mom” _I have to be a man, for Sammy_ , _for you,_ he thought.

“I don’t know why you are so afraid Dean, but I think you should man up and tell him”

 

He was about to argue but he realised what she had said.

“Him? Mom what are you talking about”

“Don’t worry about that. Just know that, the most important thing about being a man is to follow your heart and be yourself. Whoever told you otherwise was a fool. Being a man isn’t always being strong and all mighty. Sometime being a man also means acceptation. And the first thing you need to accept is yourself.”

 

He looked at her with wide eyes, not knowing what to say. He wanted to answer something, he wanted to tell her that he wasn’t in love with any guy. That she had misunderstood him, but her approval felt so right he couldn’t. She stood up and kissed his head with a smile on her face.

“Goodnight son” she said heading to her bedroom. “I love you” she added smiling.

 

It was a little over three weeks later and he still thought about that conversation. He knew now that Sam wouldn’t mind, and he knew his mom was more than ok with it. There was still the memory of his father hunting him, but as the weeks passed he silenced it a little more than usual.

 

Four weeks after the conversation with his mother, he made his decision. Dean Winchester was a man, and a strong one. He had faced the devil, the darkness and countless of creatures that wanted to kill him. And all of that, he had done it with the feelings he had for his angel. He was a man and he knew what it meant. So he stood up, foolishly looked at his reflection on the glass and opened the door.

 

Today was the day. Today he would man up and fear his biggest fear. Today he would be man enough to take what he wanted, no matter how less of a man others might see him for that. Today he was gonna tell Castiel. So with a new confidence he walked toward the angel’s bedroom and knock three times.

“Hello Dean” said the angel with his traditional greeting.

“Hiya Cas, can we talk?”

“Yes of course” said the angel making place for Dean to enter the room.

“Ok, so… I uh… The thing is… I wanna… Yeah… This is going to be harder than I thought”

“Are you ok Dean? You seem nervous”

“The hell I am… Cas… Castiel I…”

 

Castiel was looking at him with his bright blue eyes and his heart ached a little more, like every time Cas looked at him like that. But this time, this time it would be the last time it hurt. It always hurt because he knew very well that the angel felt the same as him and he couldn’t give him what he wanted. Looking in Castiel’s eyes, he knew he would never find the right words, he knew that he wasn’t capable of that.

“Look, I’m not good with words”

“That is not true Dean” cut the angel “you always gave inspiring speeches before an important battle.”

“Those are always inspired from movies I’ve watched.”

“I see”

“Anyway. There is something I want to tell you, but I can’t find the words”

“ok?” said Cas tilting his head with confusion.

“Do you remember that I once told you to never look into my mind?”

“Yes Dean I remember”

“I’d like you to look now. Go deep, go everywhere.”

“But…?”

“Just do it Cas”

 

And so Castiel gently put his hand on Dean’s cheeks and closed his eyes. Feeling the invasion, Dean put his feelings in Cas’ mind, trying his best to convey everything to the angel’s mind. When Cas finally opened his eyes they were a little wet but he was smiling.

“You love me”

“Yes” answer Dean in a whisper “and I have for a long time”

“Wh… why now, why today?”

“Does it matter? Do you not feel the same? Look I’m sorry if it makes you uncomfortable, I thought that…”

 

Castiel cut him with a finger on his lips.

“Dean Winchester I’ve been in love with you from the second I’ve seen your soul. I didn’t know back then that it was love, but I know now.”

“go… good” said Dean his voice trembling.

“So tell me Dean, after all these years… can I finally kiss you?”

“Fuck yeah…” answered the hunter.

 

And then, the magic happened. It was better than anything in the world. Was it because he had waited for so long? Or because this time he was in love? He didn’t know, but that was the most amazing kiss he had never experience. Their tongues were dancing together, fighting for dominance. Castiel put his hands on Dean’s neck, gently caressing his hair as Dean’s hands were resting on the angel hips. This was perfect.

 

They finally broke apart and looked at each other, blue and green both blown away with lust.

“Promise me this isn’t just some experiment” said the angel “promise me that this, we will have for the rest of our life”

“I promise you. I’ve never loved someone as much as I love you and now that I finally found the courage to tell you I will never let you go.”

“Good” he said smiling against Dean’s lips.

“Good” answered Dean pushing Castiel towards the bed.

“I will love you until the end of time Dean Winchester”

“So will I!”

 

 

In the library, Sam was smiling at his book. He hadn’t meant to pry, but he heard the end of their conversation.

“Fucking finally” he said to himself.


End file.
